As I go about my daily activities on this 3-day weekend, I find myself pausing often, to appreciate all of the freedoms and progress I am allowed to enjoy, thanks to the heroes of our country. While my family does not have a long lineage of military soldiers--I do have an uncle who is a veteran(Thanks, Uncle Joey)--we do have a soldier of our own kind. Before I start rambling about our soldier, I want to express my sincere appreciation and gratitude to all of the men and women, along with their families, who serve our country. Those who are willing to lay down their life so I can attend church in public, so my husband can earn a living for our family, so our kids can choose their own path and that I can express my thoughts, freely, on this website. For most of us, "the war", is something that happened, but to those linked to the military, the war is something that is happening. For those military families, the fight to keep our country the land of the free, the war has been the very center of their worlds for the last 8 years. Training, boot camp, deployments, leaves, re-deployment, re-enlistments...for those families, this war has dictated how they live their lives on a daily basis. From the bottom of my heart, I say thank you to those that I know personally, have served, are serving or will serve our country: Willie, Adriana, Telvin, Will, Chris, Brett, Mark, Joe, Joey, Joe Jr., Casey, Kelly, Christina, Phillip, Tim, Gib, Heather...you all have a purple heart in my book.
Now, onto a soldier of a different kind. I am one of the fortunate ones, as I had the privilege of growing up with a soldier and a hero from whom I learned many valuable life lessons. I learned compassion, sacrifice, courage, strength, love, hope, faith, determination, trust and respect. My soldier fought the battle of humanity. My soldier, literally, fought for life and for the life of others. No matter the question, the answer was always-'if I am going to help someone else, then yes'. No matter how painful a process-"if this will spare someone else pain-yes". No matter the risk-"if this will help you advance in your field-yes".
My soldier endured two very risky operations in a time when they were a rarity. My soldier dealt with side affects of numerous drugs. My soldier dealt with the stigma that comes with a sterile environment. My soldier dealt with the endless testing that came along with the experimental procedure that extended her life. My soldier made sacrifices so others would not have to. My soldier fearlessly navigated the waters of the medical field. My soldier was just 12 years old when recruited. There was no boot camp. There was no basic training. There was no conditioning. This soldier went directly from the ball field to the battlefield. My soldier made the ultimate sacrifice. My soldier died so that others may live. My soldier was my sister, Lori. Each time I hear of a successful organ transplant in a child, I smile and say a prayer--thanking Lori for giving that child a second chance at growing up.
To borrow a phrase from my favorite Army Wife-
'Always remember to NEVER forget"...no matter what war your soldier fought.
With a grateful heart,
CeeKay
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Grief
Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes. -Gloria Naylor
GriefGrief\ (gr[=e]f), n. [OE. grief, gref, OF. grief, gref, F. grief, L. gravis heavy; akin to Gr. bary`s, Skr. guru, Goth. ka['u]rus. Cf. Barometer, Grave, a., Grieve, Gooroo.]
1. Pain of mind on account of something in the past; mental suffering arising from any cause, as misfortune, loss of friends, misconduct of one's self or others, etc.; sorrow; sadness.
This is how dictionary.com defines grief. I get that. Took me a long time, but I finally get it. What I don't get is how to explain it to my 15 year old daughter. I consider myself to be a fairly strong person. I think those that know me, would tend to agree. I've had a lot of life experience and tried to learn from every situation, so I handle things pretty well--mentally and emotionally. Tonite, the angry monster that is grief, hit me right upside the head. Hard.
I was chatting with a friend and trying to comfort her in her grief and I got an email from my daughter. She was sitting around the corner from me on the other computer and sent me a gut-wrenching email about my dad and then bolted for her bed before I even read it. The subject said : Grandpa, i just needed to get it out. And the floodgates opened. By the time I got to the end of her email, I could barely make out the words on my screen. HOW in the WORLD was MY baby gurl sitting that close to me and hurting so bad and I not know it?!?!?! I know how. She is just like me. She wears her painted smile very well. While I am sad that she did not come to me to talk, I am so very glad that she is able to express her pain in some way. Grief is much better out than in.
Seems she is afraid of forgetting her Grandpa Dan. She was almost 5 when he passed away and I think she spent every single minute of her young life-glued to him. (Did I mention she is just like me?) I will always be a daddy's girl. I loved, loved, loved watching my baby gurl with my daddy. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. I'm not sure which of the three of us reaped the most benefits of their relationship. I used to have to try to beat him home from work so I could spend time with her, because when he hit the back door, she was his. And if I was going to the store and attempted to take her with me? Well, that was just silly.
Over the past 10 1/2 years, I have talked with her about him, when she has asked. And she has also heard me tell others of her relationship with my dad and tonite, I found out that it is those conversations that are helping her keep his memory alive. As tough as her words were for me to read, they also were very affirming. They reminded me that we never "get over" our grief. (I didn't see a timetable in the definition) They reminded me that it is never "time" to stop talking about loved ones we have lost. They reminded me that I am not alone in my grief. And they reminded me that I can read that definition until I am blue in the face and I will never "get" grief.
Oh-almost forgot to mention...once I halfway pulled myself together, I went up to her room and laid beside her and cried right along with her. Sometimes, there just are no words....
Tonight, I am oh so thankful for God's reminder about grief....
Sorrow may last for the night. But His joy comes in the morning.
---Psalm 30 verse 5
In His AWESOME Grip,
CeeKay
GriefGrief\ (gr[=e]f), n. [OE. grief, gref, OF. grief, gref, F. grief, L. gravis heavy; akin to Gr. bary`s, Skr. guru, Goth. ka['u]rus. Cf. Barometer, Grave, a., Grieve, Gooroo.]
1. Pain of mind on account of something in the past; mental suffering arising from any cause, as misfortune, loss of friends, misconduct of one's self or others, etc.; sorrow; sadness.
This is how dictionary.com defines grief. I get that. Took me a long time, but I finally get it. What I don't get is how to explain it to my 15 year old daughter. I consider myself to be a fairly strong person. I think those that know me, would tend to agree. I've had a lot of life experience and tried to learn from every situation, so I handle things pretty well--mentally and emotionally. Tonite, the angry monster that is grief, hit me right upside the head. Hard.
I was chatting with a friend and trying to comfort her in her grief and I got an email from my daughter. She was sitting around the corner from me on the other computer and sent me a gut-wrenching email about my dad and then bolted for her bed before I even read it. The subject said : Grandpa, i just needed to get it out. And the floodgates opened. By the time I got to the end of her email, I could barely make out the words on my screen. HOW in the WORLD was MY baby gurl sitting that close to me and hurting so bad and I not know it?!?!?! I know how. She is just like me. She wears her painted smile very well. While I am sad that she did not come to me to talk, I am so very glad that she is able to express her pain in some way. Grief is much better out than in.
Seems she is afraid of forgetting her Grandpa Dan. She was almost 5 when he passed away and I think she spent every single minute of her young life-glued to him. (Did I mention she is just like me?) I will always be a daddy's girl. I loved, loved, loved watching my baby gurl with my daddy. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. I'm not sure which of the three of us reaped the most benefits of their relationship. I used to have to try to beat him home from work so I could spend time with her, because when he hit the back door, she was his. And if I was going to the store and attempted to take her with me? Well, that was just silly.
Over the past 10 1/2 years, I have talked with her about him, when she has asked. And she has also heard me tell others of her relationship with my dad and tonite, I found out that it is those conversations that are helping her keep his memory alive. As tough as her words were for me to read, they also were very affirming. They reminded me that we never "get over" our grief. (I didn't see a timetable in the definition) They reminded me that it is never "time" to stop talking about loved ones we have lost. They reminded me that I am not alone in my grief. And they reminded me that I can read that definition until I am blue in the face and I will never "get" grief.
Oh-almost forgot to mention...once I halfway pulled myself together, I went up to her room and laid beside her and cried right along with her. Sometimes, there just are no words....
Tonight, I am oh so thankful for God's reminder about grief....
Sorrow may last for the night. But His joy comes in the morning.
---Psalm 30 verse 5
In His AWESOME Grip,
CeeKay
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Circle of Life
As I celebrated Mother's Day with my daughter today, I also found myself reflecting on her life....she turns 15 tomorrow. WOW! Where did the time go?
Like most others, I also spent some time thinking about those who have taught me how to be a mother and I came to the realization that I actually have learned the most about being a mom from my daughter. Yes, I have learned plenty from other mothers in my life, my own mother included, but ultimately, my daughter is my best teacher. When I take the time to see myself through her eyes, I have the opportunity to see my success as well as my flaws. Think about it for a minute....so, she is always prim and proper in public, sits attentively at church, excels on the basketball court, makes straight A's in school, the neighbors love her, the teachers want more students like her....so, I have to be a great mom, right? Not so much. While I may have had some influence on her behavior, ultimately all those things were a result of her decisions. On the other hand, her favorite place is on the couch with me.....she shares her secrets and dreams with me.....I know all of her friends and they know me....when she's bored, she comes to me lookin for a shopping buddy or someone to watch a movie with.....I feel like that is my true measure of success as a mom. If I can just keep my eyes, ears and heart open, she will show me exactly how to be a great mom. Her wants, needs, dreams, desires and fears will be right before my eyes--making my job a whole lot easier.
We've had several conversations lately about her childhood. And much to my surprise, most of her favorite memories involve nothing more than my time. Slumber parties in the living room, going to basketball games, road trips with great friends, her favorite Disney movie over and over and over....it really is true that the greatest gift you can give to your children is your time.
As she moves another step closer to becoming an adult tomorrow, I look forward to what she is going to teach me next about being a mom.
Happy Mother's Day
CeeKay
Like most others, I also spent some time thinking about those who have taught me how to be a mother and I came to the realization that I actually have learned the most about being a mom from my daughter. Yes, I have learned plenty from other mothers in my life, my own mother included, but ultimately, my daughter is my best teacher. When I take the time to see myself through her eyes, I have the opportunity to see my success as well as my flaws. Think about it for a minute....so, she is always prim and proper in public, sits attentively at church, excels on the basketball court, makes straight A's in school, the neighbors love her, the teachers want more students like her....so, I have to be a great mom, right? Not so much. While I may have had some influence on her behavior, ultimately all those things were a result of her decisions. On the other hand, her favorite place is on the couch with me.....she shares her secrets and dreams with me.....I know all of her friends and they know me....when she's bored, she comes to me lookin for a shopping buddy or someone to watch a movie with.....I feel like that is my true measure of success as a mom. If I can just keep my eyes, ears and heart open, she will show me exactly how to be a great mom. Her wants, needs, dreams, desires and fears will be right before my eyes--making my job a whole lot easier.
We've had several conversations lately about her childhood. And much to my surprise, most of her favorite memories involve nothing more than my time. Slumber parties in the living room, going to basketball games, road trips with great friends, her favorite Disney movie over and over and over....it really is true that the greatest gift you can give to your children is your time.
As she moves another step closer to becoming an adult tomorrow, I look forward to what she is going to teach me next about being a mom.
Happy Mother's Day
CeeKay
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Heroes
Heroes. We all have/had them, right? Come on. Superman? Spiderman? Batman? or in my case, Casper the friendly Ghost!
Through the years, I have found that my definition has evolved from fantasy to reality. Perhaps this quote will inspire you to re-examine your heroes....
I've learned that heroes are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
Who really wears the cape in your story?
Until tomorrow....
CeeKay
Through the years, I have found that my definition has evolved from fantasy to reality. Perhaps this quote will inspire you to re-examine your heroes....
I've learned that heroes are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
Who really wears the cape in your story?
Until tomorrow....
CeeKay
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I Don't Wanna Grow Up!
Ironic, isn't it? We spend the first half of our lives wishing for something to happen, and when it happens, we spend the remainder of our time, wishing it didn't.
We have a "communication center" in our kitchen. Three teenagers, all in sports, two different schools and four seasons..yeah, do the math. Anyway, my daughter has had her birthday countdown on the white board for quite some time and has been faithfully counting down the days. As I walked passed it today, I noticed it says "6 Days!!!". Her birthday is only 5 days away--seems she forgot to change it today. Having realized that, I paused and thought, "Oh, how I wish time would just stop and she would stay 6 days from being 15 for just a year or two more". As I watch her talk about turning 15, I can see the excitement and joy and the sense of freedom all over her face. And at the same time, I see the responsibility that is attached to that freedom.
While my baby gurl cannot wait to grow up, I find myself saying more and more that I don't want to grow up. I love, love, love, LOVE, LOVE my job. That part of being a grown up I can handle. I don't love all of the other "stuff" that comes with being grown up. Mainly, decisions. I am the world's worst when it comes to making a decision....about the simple things. My biggest enemy is meal time. What to have for lunch, dinner? Let the kids go to the carnival or stay home? Wear a jacket or don't wear a jacket?
And don't even get me started on paying bills. I can remember asking my mom for money when I was younger and when she would tell me she didn't have any, I would just say...come on, say it with me, you've all done it..."just write a check, mom". Oh, to be that naive again. To think that having checks meant I still had money. To think that having a house and lights and heat and air conditioning and water--just happened when you "grew up". I'll admit it--I was clueless.
I thought I grew up when I had my daughter...at the ripe old age of 19 3/4. Yeah! Right! Who was I kidding!?!?!! I learned rather quickly that we were going to grow up together. While it is true that being a parent requires A LOT, can I say that again...A LOT, of self-sacrifice, there is a lot more to growing up than that. I was still "the mom". I could still get my way--most of the time--when I wanted to. And as she got older, I gradually regained some freedom....some "me" time. Something which is very precious in the world of a single mother. And just when I thought I had officially achieved the rank of "grown up"...............I got married.
WOW! Talk about growing up. Goodness, it takes a lot of work to maintain a happy marriage. Again, the little things always snuck up on me. ....I KNOW I bought pop tarts at the store this week, WHERE did they go?......ugh, empty milk jug again? WHY didn't someone tell me?.....HE wants to golf, so I can't buy those shoes, just cuz they're cute?!..WHATEVER!....A western? On MY tv? Seriously?!....Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband...I adore him...110%.....but, wow, did I ever have to grow up. Thank goodness God chose to bless me with a man after Job---there just is no other explanation for the extent of his patience with me.
And, so I come back to my daughter. Sitting here tonite, I am reminded why I was SOOO eager to grow up....even if the rewards are completely different than I thought they were going to be....in fact, they are better than I could have ever imagined. While it still saddens me that my little girl IS growing up, I, too, am excited for the rewards I know await her.
Maturity is not measured by the number of birthdays one has, rather by the amount of life one has experienced.
Until next time...
CeeKay
We have a "communication center" in our kitchen. Three teenagers, all in sports, two different schools and four seasons..yeah, do the math. Anyway, my daughter has had her birthday countdown on the white board for quite some time and has been faithfully counting down the days. As I walked passed it today, I noticed it says "6 Days!!!". Her birthday is only 5 days away--seems she forgot to change it today. Having realized that, I paused and thought, "Oh, how I wish time would just stop and she would stay 6 days from being 15 for just a year or two more". As I watch her talk about turning 15, I can see the excitement and joy and the sense of freedom all over her face. And at the same time, I see the responsibility that is attached to that freedom.
While my baby gurl cannot wait to grow up, I find myself saying more and more that I don't want to grow up. I love, love, love, LOVE, LOVE my job. That part of being a grown up I can handle. I don't love all of the other "stuff" that comes with being grown up. Mainly, decisions. I am the world's worst when it comes to making a decision....about the simple things. My biggest enemy is meal time. What to have for lunch, dinner? Let the kids go to the carnival or stay home? Wear a jacket or don't wear a jacket?
And don't even get me started on paying bills. I can remember asking my mom for money when I was younger and when she would tell me she didn't have any, I would just say...come on, say it with me, you've all done it..."just write a check, mom". Oh, to be that naive again. To think that having checks meant I still had money. To think that having a house and lights and heat and air conditioning and water--just happened when you "grew up". I'll admit it--I was clueless.
I thought I grew up when I had my daughter...at the ripe old age of 19 3/4. Yeah! Right! Who was I kidding!?!?!! I learned rather quickly that we were going to grow up together. While it is true that being a parent requires A LOT, can I say that again...A LOT, of self-sacrifice, there is a lot more to growing up than that. I was still "the mom". I could still get my way--most of the time--when I wanted to. And as she got older, I gradually regained some freedom....some "me" time. Something which is very precious in the world of a single mother. And just when I thought I had officially achieved the rank of "grown up"...............I got married.
WOW! Talk about growing up. Goodness, it takes a lot of work to maintain a happy marriage. Again, the little things always snuck up on me. ....I KNOW I bought pop tarts at the store this week, WHERE did they go?......ugh, empty milk jug again? WHY didn't someone tell me?.....HE wants to golf, so I can't buy those shoes, just cuz they're cute?!..WHATEVER!....A western? On MY tv? Seriously?!....Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband...I adore him...110%.....but, wow, did I ever have to grow up. Thank goodness God chose to bless me with a man after Job---there just is no other explanation for the extent of his patience with me.
And, so I come back to my daughter. Sitting here tonite, I am reminded why I was SOOO eager to grow up....even if the rewards are completely different than I thought they were going to be....in fact, they are better than I could have ever imagined. While it still saddens me that my little girl IS growing up, I, too, am excited for the rewards I know await her.
Maturity is not measured by the number of birthdays one has, rather by the amount of life one has experienced.
Until next time...
CeeKay
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Don't Make Me Count To Three!
I stopped to visit a friend on my way home from work today. And I watched with joy as he and his 4 year old son played outside. I'm new in his son's life, so he is still unsure about me and decided to test his dad in front of an audience. As an adult, and a parent myself, I knew what was about to happen to this little guy, but he had no idea. His dad asked him to do something and the son just laughed and twirled around in his swing. Dad asked again...more twirling, while watching my reaction out of the corner of his eye. Then the final warning sounded. "I'm gonna count to three then you are going to get a spanking and go inside". With the count of 1, I thought, "uh oh, it's a show down", then came 2, and a move from the swing to the slide while dad headed closer to the swing set, and then, the dreaded 3. The son could hardly contain his satisfaction, he thought he won....and as i watched the dad walk over and spank his son and send him on his way, my thoughts went directly to the father. How he must have hated to follow through and cut play time short. How he must have been hoping that his son would comply with his request. How he knew that failing to follow through would rob his son of a valuable lesson. And how he hoped that his son would not make the same mistake when in the same situation again.
Sound familiar? I began thinking to myself...how many times have I made my Father count to three? How many spankings have I forced Him to deliver? How often have I challenged His authority? and when did I learn that "Father knows best"?
"The Will of God will never lead you, where the Grace of God cannot keep you"...
Oh, the tears and devastation we could save ourselves, if only we would heed the warnings of our Father the first time....
Today, I am thankful that our Father suffered the ultimate punishment, so would never make it to that countdown.
In His Grip,
CeeKay
Sound familiar? I began thinking to myself...how many times have I made my Father count to three? How many spankings have I forced Him to deliver? How often have I challenged His authority? and when did I learn that "Father knows best"?
"The Will of God will never lead you, where the Grace of God cannot keep you"...
Oh, the tears and devastation we could save ourselves, if only we would heed the warnings of our Father the first time....
Today, I am thankful that our Father suffered the ultimate punishment, so would never make it to that countdown.
In His Grip,
CeeKay
Monday, May 4, 2009
Happily Ever After?
Ok, so anyone that knows me, knows that I was the biggest hypocrite when it came to "Happily Ever After". Hated the traditional fairy tales. Told my daughter the ONLY fairytale she could believe was "Shrek". I mean, come on, who out there doesn't agree that the odds of spending forever in the swamp with an ogre are much higher than prince charming with his white horse in a castle? Seriously.
The swamp is much harder to find than the castle on the mountain top, but it is SO worth it. Yep, I kissed a frog and he turned into a prince, alright....the Prince of his own kingdom, where I was everything BUT his princess. On one of the my many lonely nights in the dungeon, I decided to take a new approach. After all, the definition of insanity is "repeating the same action and expecting a different result". And I may be crazy, but I am not insane. So, I took a good, long, hard look in the mirror....and I did not even recognize the person staring back at me.
So, I followed the advice of a good friend who once(or twice) said..."Candi Sue, I wish you could see you through my eyes"...
So begins my journey through the forest. Let me tell ya, looking at myself was a LOT harder than looking at everyone else. Their worries and troubles were so EASY to fix, my world on the other hand, needed a demolition crew as opposed to a construction crew. While I was busy fixing the world, my life was falling apart and my magic wand was fresh out of dust. I was on my own....or so I thought.
I started by taking care of myself on the inside. That meant mending fences, rebuilding bridges, tearing down walls and breaking free from chains. Much to my surprise, once the chains were gone, the rest of the tasks became much lighter.
My first step was letting go..........of everything. Yes, I said EVERYTHING. Clean slate. And what do ya know? On my way out of the castle, I found a new prince...the Prince of Peace. Where had HE been all of my life? ...right here, little one....WHOA! where did that come from?!?! ...I've been waiting for you.....I am not insane, I am not insane. ...no, you are not insane. Have you read the letter I sent you?.....um, letter? come on, Candi, think, get it together.....it said "Dear Candi, I will be handling all of your problems today. Please go and have a great day! Love, God".... THAT letter, yeah, didn't get it. ...now you have it....
After a whole lot of give and take, I surrendered my life to God and began following Him, and suddenly the dark, scary forest turned into bright, beautiful rolling meadows. Piece by piece, he built me back up, and by the time we reached the swamp, my Ogre was there waiting....in a big green truck!!! And he is the complete package! I am so blessed.
So, that is the short story long about MY happily ever after. It is my wish that you will follow me along this journey...learn with me, laugh with me, cry with me, pray with me....
Thanks for reading...
CeeKay
The swamp is much harder to find than the castle on the mountain top, but it is SO worth it. Yep, I kissed a frog and he turned into a prince, alright....the Prince of his own kingdom, where I was everything BUT his princess. On one of the my many lonely nights in the dungeon, I decided to take a new approach. After all, the definition of insanity is "repeating the same action and expecting a different result". And I may be crazy, but I am not insane. So, I took a good, long, hard look in the mirror....and I did not even recognize the person staring back at me.
So, I followed the advice of a good friend who once(or twice) said..."Candi Sue, I wish you could see you through my eyes"...
So begins my journey through the forest. Let me tell ya, looking at myself was a LOT harder than looking at everyone else. Their worries and troubles were so EASY to fix, my world on the other hand, needed a demolition crew as opposed to a construction crew. While I was busy fixing the world, my life was falling apart and my magic wand was fresh out of dust. I was on my own....or so I thought.
I started by taking care of myself on the inside. That meant mending fences, rebuilding bridges, tearing down walls and breaking free from chains. Much to my surprise, once the chains were gone, the rest of the tasks became much lighter.
My first step was letting go..........of everything. Yes, I said EVERYTHING. Clean slate. And what do ya know? On my way out of the castle, I found a new prince...the Prince of Peace. Where had HE been all of my life? ...right here, little one....WHOA! where did that come from?!?! ...I've been waiting for you.....I am not insane, I am not insane. ...no, you are not insane. Have you read the letter I sent you?.....um, letter? come on, Candi, think, get it together.....it said "Dear Candi, I will be handling all of your problems today. Please go and have a great day! Love, God".... THAT letter, yeah, didn't get it. ...now you have it....
After a whole lot of give and take, I surrendered my life to God and began following Him, and suddenly the dark, scary forest turned into bright, beautiful rolling meadows. Piece by piece, he built me back up, and by the time we reached the swamp, my Ogre was there waiting....in a big green truck!!! And he is the complete package! I am so blessed.
So, that is the short story long about MY happily ever after. It is my wish that you will follow me along this journey...learn with me, laugh with me, cry with me, pray with me....
Thanks for reading...
CeeKay
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